Funny Quotes

Funny quotes and general silliness.
There are a total of 1880 quotes in this category.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott Adams
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Fighting, fleeing, feeding and... mating.

Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavettmocking the TV-violence debate
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
Editor of the Limerick Times(Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
("When cryptography is outlawedonly outlaws will have privacy")
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

An Animated Cartoon Theology:

  • People are animals.
  • The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
  • Life is antagonistic to the living.
  • The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
  • The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
  • The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
  • We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
E. L. Doctorow, "The Book of Daniel"
Sweden's previous Minister of Justice amused the Americans on her visit. Her name is Gun Hellsvik, pronounced "gun hells week".
Ronny Eriksson
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Stupidest question of the month
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
Mikael Pawlo
You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it
Restroom Graffiti
Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the airhostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drinks until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosylables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat.
Alan H. describing asuccessful business trip

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