Black Humor

Dark, cynical, pessimistic or just sick humor.
There are a total of 822 quotes in this category.

You all know about the Darwin Awards -- It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him while he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks.
John Ryman, "When Galaxies Collide"
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
Steel City News
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
  1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
  2. Advising the President.
  3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Official Project Stages:
  1. Uncritical Acceptance
  2. Wild Enthusiasm
  3. Dejected Disillusionment
  4. Total Confusion
  5. Search for the Guilty
  6. Punishment of the Innocent
  7. Promotion of the Non-participants
How do you play religious roulette?

You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.
Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
The greatest lies of all time:
  1. I love you
  2. This won't hurt a bit
  3. The cheque's in the mail
  4. I was just going to call you
  5. I swear I won't come in your mouth
  6. Of course I'll respect you in the morning
  7. We have a really challenging assignment for you
  8. I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
The most common form of marriage proposal:


When a banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Ignore alien orders.
Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
Full Metal Jacket

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