Funny Quotes

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

Excerpts from The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

When I was in prison I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap. People shouldn't read that stuff. When we read these books what purpose does it serve in this day and time?

Mike Tyson

All racists who are prepared to die for their country, please do that now.

Myself

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence.

Vivian, "The Young Ones"

A penny saved is ridiculous.

It is not possible to ski through a revolving door.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Assassins do it from behind.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Clark Kent is a transvestite.

Confucious say:
- fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
- man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
- man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
- man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
- man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
- man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a smelly finger

Confucius say too much.

Recent Chinese Proverb

Flee at once, all is discovered!

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.

God bless Atheism!

Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... [Excuse me a minute.]

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Howard Kandel

A witty saying proves nothing.

Voltaire

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

H. L. Mencken,on Shakespeare (or me? :)

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