50 Dark Humor Jokes To Laugh Out Loud
Dark humor is not for everyone, try it
Dark Humor Jokes
Dark humor jokes are not everyone's cup of tea, and not everyone has a taste for them. These type of jokes require a bit more emotional control and science has proven that people who get dark jokes usually have higher IQs. So, if you laugh at any of these jokes, you are probably smarter than the average.
These jokes are usually offensive but read this list of dark humor jokes and you'll see they can be less offensive than you think if you open up your mind and you are willing to enjoy them.
1My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
2Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny.
3A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
4Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
5I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
6What's the best part about dead baby Jokes? They never get old.
7My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
8I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
9“Oh daddy,” the kid said. “I love you so much!” “Hey,” the man responded. “Until we get the DNA test results, I’m just Harry to you!”
10People are like trees... They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
11The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
12If at first you don’t succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
13I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
14Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
15What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? It’s butt.
16I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
17It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.
18'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
19My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
20Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have many of them.
21What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
22“Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.”
23I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
24One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
25My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.
26I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.
27I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
28It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
29A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
30Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
31Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
32I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
33“I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
34I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
35What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer.
36You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.
37A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?” "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
38My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
39Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?
40What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
41“Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.
42My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
43My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
44"Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!" "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
45Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly? Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.
46Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
47My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.
48"And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?" "Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now."
49"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home." "That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."
50- Mommy, mommy, I found daddy! - How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!
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