Laughs

 Page 24 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
Everyone knows they're going to die, but no one believes it.




100.000.000 sperm and YOU were the fastest???

Bumper Sticker




Mental Health is overrated.

Bare Naked Ladies, "This is where it ends"




Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it dozens of times.

Mark Twain (paraphrased)




I do for bullshit what stonehenge does for rocks.




All generalizations are false.




Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Gregory Santo




...the genes almost always accurately reproduce. If they don't, you get one of the following results: One, monsters --that is, grossly malformed babies resulting from genetic mistakes. Years ago most monsters died, but now many can be saved. This has made possible the National Football League.

Cecil Adams




"We cannot tolerate the proliferation of this paperwork any longer. It is useless to fight the forms. We must kill the people producing them."

Attributed to Vladimir Kabaidze, Director of the Ivanovo Machine Works near Moscow, in a speech before the annual Communist Party Congress, 1936




"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller




Love is a sensation cause by temptation
Guy sticks his location in the girls destination
To increase the population of the next generation
Do you understand my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?




If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Gregory Santo




I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss




When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail. If you are going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce.

Walter Smith




"I feel sorry for people who don't drink, when they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra




If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

Usenet




That which does not kill us, only makes us stranger.

Aeon Flux




I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...

Steven Wright




You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright




Play "Strip Risk". It is the only game in which you can say, "I've conquered Algeria, now give me your pants!"

Mike Ludders




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