Funny Quotes page 94

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
Fred Allen
If a man says something in the woods, and no one is there to hear him, can a women still tell him he's wrong?
Ben Ryan
It doesn't matter how bad your English is, as long as your scotch is good...
You feel chilled because you have no character. You're a depressing assemblage of pop culture influences and cancelled emotions, driven by the sputtering engine of only the most banal form of capitalism. You spend your life feeling as if you're perpetually on the brink of being obsolete ? whether it's labour market obsolescence or cultural unhipness. And it's all catching up with you. You live and die by the development cycle. You're glamorized drosophila flies, with the company regulating your life cycles at whim. If it isn't a budget-driven eighteen-month game production schedule, it's a five-year hardware obsolescence schedule. Every five years you have to throw away everything you know and learn a whole new set of hardware and software specs, relegating what was once critical to our lives to the cosmic slag heap.
"JPod" by Douglas Coupland
Here's my theory about meetings and life: the three things you can't fake are erections, competence and creativity. That's why meetings become toxic ? they put uncreative people in a situation in which they have to be something they can never be. And the more effort they put into concealing their inabilities, the more toxic the meeting becomes.
'JPod' by Douglas Coupland
Hour gongs were being struck all across the city and night-watchmen were proclaiming that it was indeed midnight and also that, in the face of all the evidence, all was well. Many of them got as far as the end of the sentence before being mugged.
Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett
The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.
Jerry Seinfeld
If you want someone to be ignored then build a lifesize bronze statue of them and stick it in the middle of town. It doesn't matter how great you were, it'll always take an unfunny drunk with climbing skills to make people notice you.
Banksy 'Wall and Piece'
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
Bill Hicks
The more patience you have with life, the more likely it is to run with you than over you.
Charles Spencer Johnson
Give a man a fish and it will feed him for a day, give the man a fishing rod and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood
Robert Culshaw
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
Cassandra Clare
"You can't really just sit back and laugh at teenagers in their natural habitat your whole life unless you've done some clinical research".
"Sure you can," Missy said, "That's why we have John Hughes movies - so we don't have to go to high school dances".
'Rat Saw God' by Rob Thomas
Women are the bloodthirsty sex," said Ric sadly. "We get the reputation, but it is only because the women stand behind us, and say, 'Kill it. Squish it.'
'Hunting Ground' by Patricia Briggs
Jazz isn't about making yourself feel better, it's about making other people feel worse.
Bleeding Gums Murphy 'The Simpsons'
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Jimmy Carr
My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
Jimmy Carr
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall'.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.

There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

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