Funny Quotes page 93

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Jay Leno
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention!
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I want an exit out of this supremely disgusting state of unproductivity. And i would love to start by sleeping all my worries off.
Barok Velasco - Original Kabrie
The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.
Thomas Dewar
It's better to be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass.
If you ever dreamt of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.
Muhammad Ali
I say "There seems to be an alcoholic language and I don't speak it." I have never had an ear for languages, which is yet another reason why I should leave right now.
People chuckle knowingly.
David smiles.
I turn red and mentally scold myself for actually involving myself with these people. Better to sit quietly, avert the eyes. Do not ask the Iranian hijackers for an extra pillow.
'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Show me the order of the world,
the hard-edge light of this-is-so
prior to all experience
and common to both world and thought,
no model, but the truth itself.

Language is not a perfect game,
and if it were, how could we play?
The world's more than the sum of things
like moon, sky, centre, body, bed,
as all the singing masters know.

Picture two lovers side by side
who sleep and dream and wake to hold
the real and the imagined world
body by body, word by word
in the wild halo of their thought.

"Thought is surrounded by a Halo" Gwen Harwood
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone capable of getting themselves made President should by no means be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
Why have kids when grandchildren are a lot more fun.
Kena Bohannon
By choking, you become a legend about themselves that these people will cherish and repeat until they die. They'll think they gave you life. You might be the one good deed, the deathbed memory that justifies their whole existence. So be the aggressive victim, the big loser. A professional failure. People will jump through hoops if you make them feel like a god. It's the martyrdom of Saint Me.
'Choke' by Chuck Palahnuik
Men can lose money chasing women but they will never lose women chasing money.
I'm from a little place called England... We used to run the world before you.
Ricky Gervais
You gotta admire London Underground's balls. Whoever coined the phrase "your next train is running late due to late running" is a fucking poet.
TV show, 'This Life'
The thing that you've been looking for, is always on the last place you check.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
John W. Campbell
I spent a lot of money on booze, girls and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
George Best

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