Funny Quotes

Money cannot buy happiness but it lets you be unhappy in nice places.

When I was in 7th grade my mom caught me smoking cigarettes and punished me by making me smoke the entire carton. All it did was piss me off because I was out of cigarettes.

Alecia "Pink" Moore

I've had a great time, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction then all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.

Catch 22

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

Ernest Benn

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Poul Anderson

Whoever said anything is possible, never tried slamming a revolving door.

Interviewer: I think that if you wanted to make top ten hits and sell millions of records you could. Frank Zappa: Yeah, but who wants to go through life with a tiny nose and one glove on.

Frank Zappa

Nothing's so apt to undermine your confidence in a product as knowing that the commercial selling it has been approved by the company that makes it.

Franklin P Jones

A non-smoking section in a restaurant is the same as a non-peeing section in a swimming pool.

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen

If you're good just because it pays to be good, you'll be bad for bigger wages.

I'm not your mother or hugger. If you need love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or deal. My door is not open to you, ever.

Paris Gellar, "Gilmore Girls"

If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understantd it, it's Mathematics.

Flipside

Curiostity killed the cat... I wanted to know how far I could throw it

I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh... is a poem.

Bill Hicks

Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.

Alexander Woollcott

When you fall a friend helps you up .. a BEST FRIEND laughs at you and trips you again!

unknown

I live for the nights I won't remember with the friends I'll never forget.

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