Funny Quotes page 87

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Bill Maher
If we put a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright
I know the guy who makes all the bumperstickers. He really hates New York.
Don't try to be someone you're not, you may get arrested For Identity Theft
Daniel Ritz
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Orson Welles
Now, every month a woman has this time when she gets very angry.. at everything, and usually men are the everything. It's like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just gotta let it burn.. grab a beer and let it burn.
King of the Hill
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting what to eat for lunch.
Jorn Peeters
Anger is like a puppy who doesn't know any better. If you don't let it out it will piddle on the carpet of your soul.
Abby, Dharma and Greg
Friends are like condoms... they protect you when things get hard.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
Helen Castle
Why should i go to his funeral? He aint comming to mine.
Daniel Nielsen
Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!
Jim Carrey
There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.
Philo Farnsworth's (inventor of the TV) feelings about watching television.
I don't pretend to understand the universe - it's a great deal bigger than I am. People ought to be more modest.
Thomas Carlyle
Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.
Thornton Wilder
We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion.
Zelda Fitzgerald
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Joss Whedon

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