Funny Quotes page 86

I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown...There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks.
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.
Harry Truman
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window?"
Mitch Hedberg
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
Mitch Hedberg
The problem with climbing the corporate ladder is the shitty view. All you see is the ass above of you, and those behind you only see the ass above them.
SpecialK
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
Terry Pratchett
God gave me a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to operate one at a time…
Robin Williams
This is my invisible friend. He tells me to burn things.
Ralph Wiggum
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
Joseph Heller
Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to burry him with.
Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone knows its there but only you can feel its warmth.
Kira W.
Me, fail English? That's unpossible.
Ralph -The Simpsons
I came here to be probed, electrocuted and drugged, not insulted!
Homer Simpson
Man's reason for being is to question why that is.
I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.
Dylan Moran

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