Funny Quotes

A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.
William Shakespeare
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Mariah Carey
Just once, I'd like for someone to call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene".
Homer Simpson
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart
The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money.
Marlon Brando
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
Doug Larson
No, this person isn’t really me. It’s all just a terrible mistake- a Bermuda Triangle of Bad Hair Day meets Bad Dress Day, meets Hippie Shoes From Hell.
Elegance, Kathleen Tessaro
The truth is, I sleep far too much- wake up late, take naps in the afternoon, go to bed early. I live with one foot dangling in a dark, warm pool of unconsciousness, ready at any moment to slide into oblivion. But it’s just a little bit antisocial, all this sleeping so I try and hide it.
Elegance, Kathleen Tessaro
After all, men come and go but a good fur is a destiny.
Elegance, Genevieve Anoine Dariaux
We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
Mitch Hedberg
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are illusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
P.G. Wodehouse
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know someone who would be really mad if they heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
Considering the lifestyle of a fish, I am really surprised that fish don't just kill themselves.
Mike Clapis
I'm always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I've been.
Billie Holiday

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