Funny Quotes page 81

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you
Shrek 2
Women who behave rarely make history.
on tee shirt
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana?
Mitch Hedburg
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
Mitch Hedberg
And dont even try to take it off, because its taped to your leg hairs, and that hurts!
Chief Wiggum to Sideshow Bob with the monitor
it's only funny till someone gets hurt... then it's hilarious.
a sticker
Stealing!? how could you steal!? Why do you think I made you watch all those Police academy movies!? Do you think it was a joke!? Was anybody laughing!? Except for that guy who did the sound effects. And what about those sermons that guy gives at Church, you know, Captain whats-his-name! What were we talking about? Oh yeah, stay outta my booze!
Homer Simpson after Bart steals a computer game
I used to think that I was stupid, and then I met philosophers.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells 'Can't you remember anything I told you?' and lets fly with a club.
John W. Campbell
Draco dormiens nunquam titlandus. (Never tickle a sleeping dragon.)
Motto of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, Harry Potter Series
The knack of flying is simply throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
Oscar Wilde
Backpacking: an extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need, for half the distance they planned to go, in twice the time it should take.
This is my problem with interviews and with quotes! I don't think there is a person on this fucking planet that you can define with one sentence. Not with one fucking interview! Not with a hundred fucking interviews! 'Cause we don't know what we are! Sometimes I don't even know who I am, what's my nature!
Joaquin Phoenix
One of the problems has to do with the speed of light and the difficulties involved in trying to exceed it. You can't. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there.
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
But this is America! Where we apologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy!
Lorelai, Gilmore Girls
2004 was the year that Americans were being Bushwhacked as well as Kerried-a-way.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
-Robert Orben

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