Funny Quotes

I have a weight problem: I can't wait to eat!

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things. Every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

Albert Einstein

Tough girls come from New York, sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Virginia girls we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it.

Ashley Judd

The American's answer to war is to shoot anything that moves. If that fails they napalm it.

Thomas Zaufal

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen

I'm not a tease! I'm just a reminder of what you can't have!

Renee Vickery

I traveled all [dimensions] as I pleased. I walked worlds of smoke and half-truths intangible. Worlds of torment and of unnamable beauty. And opaline towers as high as small moons. Glaciers that rippled with insensate lust. And one world with nothing but shrimp. I tired of that one quickly.

Angel

Crazy? I was crazy once. Then they put me in a rubber room. Then I died. Then they buried me. Then the bugs ate me. Bugs? Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They they put me in a rubber room. Then I died. Then they buried me. Then the bugs ate me. Bugs? Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once.....

In the beginning, there was nothing. And the Lord said: 'LET THERE BE LIGHT' and there was still nothing but now you could see it.

Oh, I'm a degenerate am I? Well you sir are a fastishio, see I can make up words too.

Peter Griffin

It's not that I can't dance, it's just that I'm overly Caucasin.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Stephen Wright

It's not God I dislike, It's his fanclub that gets me.

Unknown

If anybody ever tells you you're one in a million, just realize that means there are 100 people just like you in China.

Jonathan Plesser

the one convenience i wouyld neve rgive up is ice...I feel ice is much better then fire. Now, I'm not putting fire down or anything, but I would have my meat rare if I could have a few cubes in my cocktail. Any dipshit on Survivor stuck on some tropical island can make fire....but how many can make ice?

Dennis Miller

Chocolate is better than sex! Anyone who says different, is either a MAN or has not had GODIVA.

chocoholics of the world

I did not attend his funeral but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

I'm from Texas and in Texas we have the death penalty and we use it. That's right, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. That's our policy. Right now there's a bill in the Texas legislature that would speed up the execution process of those convicted of a heinous crime with more than three credible witnesses. If more than three people saw you do what you did you don't sit on death row for 15 years Jack, you go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's puttin in an express lane.

Ron White- Blue Collar Comedy Tour

The best way to get back at the man who steals your wife...is to let him keep her.

Unknown

This is my sandbox, I'm not alowed in the deep end, that's where I met the leprochaun, he tells me to burn things.

Ralph Wiggum--Simpsons

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