Funny Quotes page 77

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
People are like slinkeys; they don't really serve a purpose, but you can't help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
My daddy always said, 'give a man a fish, and he knows where to go to get fish. Teach a man to fish, and you destroy your market base.'
Computer games don't affect kids; I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc, 1989
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Franklin P. Jones
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Oscar Wilde
Todays women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make up, including living bras and various pads that would make a linebacker envious, she has implants and other surgeries and later she complains that she cant find a REAL man.
Disclaimer: Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Life is like a luscious chocolate cake. Unfortunately, most of us are diabetic.
I hope there isnt a bright light when you go to Heaven because I dont want to go through eternity squinting. Its going to be hard enough to get laid in Heaven, only the good girls are going.
Dennis Miller
The United States is the birthplace of cool. If the world was a high school, America would be making out in study hall with Sweeden, picking on India, and smoking in the UN bathroom with France and Columbia.
Dennis Miller
I think incest jokes are about as funny as aunts in your pants, and bathroom jokes are about as funny as a bowel full of monkeys, and racial jokes are about as funny as calling a spade a spade, and VD jokes are about as funny as looking a gift whore in the mouth for herpes, and drug jokes are about as funny as losing your last needle in a haystack, and presidential assassination jokes are just as funny as a shot in the head. But I have to admit that religion jokes are funny as hell.
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really understand what's going on.
Belfast Citizen, 1970
Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
Douglas Adams
Already this year, we've seen Britney's 55-hour marriage, Michael Jackson dancing at his child molestation arraignment and Steve Irwin frolicking with his newborn and a crocodile ... and it's only February.
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
You know the person who found out you could get milk from cows....what were they doing?
Oliver Preston
According to Bradsher, internal industry market research concluded that S.U.V.s tend to be bought by people who are insecure, vain, self-centered, and self-absorbed, who are frequently nervous about their marriages, and who lack confidence in their driving skills.
"Big and Bad", Malcolm Gladwell

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