Funny Quotes page 76

Do illiterate people really get the full effect of alphabet soup?
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa
Nostradamus got it right. He said ... "In the year of the new Millennium, in the home of the greatest power. The village idiot shall come forth, to be acclaimed the leader." And what happened in the year of the Millennium? George W Bush was elected as president of the United States of America.
Profound Lee
Wanting to meet an author because you like his work is like wanting to meet a duck because you like paté.
Margaret Atwood
Destroy all dreamers with debt and depression.
Seen on blackboard in University
Who's idea of a sick joke was it to put an "s" in the word lisp?
Dealing with Men is like walking in four inch stilettos. The best way not to get hurt, is to just keep on walking
I'm not saying you're not good at it, I'm just better than you.
Hank Hill of the show King of the Hill
For refund, insert baby.
Graffiti on a condom machine, UK
Now I don't mind being called a liar when im lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying BUT NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH
homer simpson
If a man stands alone in a forrest and makes a statement, but there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong???
The Difference between a bag pipe and an onion is that no-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe....
I mean, I knew I wasn't a nice person, but what did I do in my past life to deserve this? I must have hit a bus full of nuns while driving a stolen car on my way to selling drugs to schoolchildren!
Buffy the Vampire slayer
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Roise O'Donnel
To be today’s real woman, you need to have the physique of Venus, the cunning of Cleopatra, the courage of Joan of Arc, the wardrobe of Marie Antoinette, and the cleaning ability of Ammonia D.
Joyce Jillson
She did not so much cook as assassinate food.
Storm Jameson
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass & think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer & let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
Jack Handey
The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
George Carlin
Look, I'm giving it to you in black and white and you're asking about purple!
BW Compton

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