Funny Quotes page 75

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie.
Bill Maher
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
Bill Maher
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, it made the kittens.
Graham H.
Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he LOVES you. And he needs money.
George Carlin
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and we're all wearing milk-bone underwear.
Darren Colyn
Have you ever noticed that the person that handles you're money is called a BROKER?
The Shibster
The Women's Professional Soccer League has folded due to lack of interest. Now all of the female players ... oh, who cares!
Craig Kilborn
If you cooked any slower you wouldn't need an egg timer, you would need an egg calendar.
Stewie from Family Guy
The argument goes something like this: ‘I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, ‘for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.’ 'But,’ says Man, ‘the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance, it proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t QED.’ 'Oh dear,’ says God, ‘I hadn’t thought of that,’ and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic, “’Oh, that was easy,” says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next pedestrian crossing. Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo’s kidneys, but that didn’t stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book, Well That about Wraps It Up for God. Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If God's inside of us, I hope he likes fajitas, because that's what he's getting!
There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing jell-o to a tree for instance
Janeane Garfolo
Who ever said anything was possible has never tried to close a revolving door.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Sex is wrong. Sex is a sin. Sins are forgiven so stick it in.
Man's greatest fear is to have died without living.
stupidity, adj.: having the poor ability to understand or to profit from experience Ex: "The Dixie Chicks have no political experience yet they know what's good for the country; the Dixie Chicks are full of stupidity.
BW Compton
The last time I saw you, you were THIS big... but you were on a hill and I was far away.
tv show 'Will and Grace'
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich!

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