Funny Quotes

Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure.

Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Earth: Mostly Harmless.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair!"
"I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime!"
"I am the itch you cannot reach!"
"I am the paper cut that ruins your day!"
"I am the parking meter that expires while you shop!"
"I am the plot-twist in the 2nd reel!"
"I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
"I am the weirdo who sits next to you on the bus!"
"I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares!"
"I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am!"

Darkwing Duck likes a dramatic entrance

Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.

The HHGTTG

Redundant book title: "Windows For Dummies"

You know, it's at times like this when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."

"Why, what did she say?"

"I don't know, I didn't listen.

Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish

The first thing to realize about parallel universes... is that they are not parallel. It is also important to realize that they are not, strictly speaking, universes either, but it is easiest if you don't try to realize it until a little later, after you've realized that everything you've realized up to that moment is not true.

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because he has achieved so much--the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish

"Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!".

Johnny Carson

A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't.

Smythe, "Andy Capp"

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Frequently used e-mail signature

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

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