Funny Quotes page 67
If a guy masturbates, can it be considered mass murder?Postcard
Welcome to the Church of Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
Pity the poor man whose poetic ability is inspired by the smell of his own shit !Bathroom graffiti
I argue very well. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.Dave Barry
Economics: The science of telling you things you've known all your life, but in a language you can't understand.Dick Armey
Drama: What literature does at night.George Jean Nathan
When man invented fire, he didn’t say, "hey, let’s cook", he said, "great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!"Steve Taylor, Coupling
Stupid statistics cost american companies 30 zillion dollars each year.Teddy Horton
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.History Teacher
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Ass, Gas, or Grass, no one rides for freeThe real bumper sticker
Well it could have been worse. I could have gotten my nose bitten off by a Saigon whore.Dirty Work
I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian: this makes me Wel-hung!
The theory of how a jet engine operates by definition is a description of the act of copulation. Intake, compression, ignition, exhaust - essentially suck, squeeze, bang, blow.
At my school, the cop from DARE passed around three joints to show everyone. And he said "If i dont get all three of these back this school's getting locked down and everyone's getting searched until I find it" And like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back, the cop had four.Daze, IRC (bash.org)
I love women. I love every bone in their body. . . especially mine.Steven Tyler
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.T-shirt
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colon." Need I say more?"Chris Rock
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.Douglas Adams
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