Funny Quotes page 66

Warning! Sex may lead to child support.
Bumper Sticker
I am looking forward to regretting this.
Bumper Sticker
Is there anyone here tonight by the name of Hugh G. Rection?
Moe, The Simpson's
Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
An average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm. When it ejaculates, only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...
Save a mouse, eat a pussy
How did Ronald Reagan change my motherland? He turned the USSR into the USSWas.
Col. Vladimir Bubayev, KGB, ret.
No matter how you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants!
Seen above a urinal
Ally: Seriously, Renee, this thing about being married. Why do you think women....

Renee: We're brainwashed. First stories we hear as babies--Snow White, Cinderella-- they're all about getting the guy, being saved by the guy. Today its The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas: all about getting the guy.

Ally: So basically we're screwed up because of...

Renee: Disney!

Ally McBeal
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang onto that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair is messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
Jerry Seinfeld
Flush twice, it's a long way to the kitchen.
Graffiti on wall of McDonald's bathroom
Hank: They found a cure for cooties!
Bobbie: What are cooties?
Hank: Oh, when I was a boy, that was what we called the germs you get from girls.
Bobbie: Oh, like chlamydia?
King of the Hill
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

Steven Wright
Its easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it.
P. J. O'Rourke
Now I understand why some animals eat their young.
Insult book
The Cycle of Life:

At age 4 success is ... not peeing your pants.

At age 12 success is ... having friends.

At age 16 success is ...having a drivers licence.

At age 20 success is ... having sex.

At age 35 success is ... having money.

At age 50 success is ... having money.

At age 60 success is ... having sex.

At age 70 success is ... having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is ... having friends.

At age 80 success is ... not peeing your pants.

graduating college in four years is like leaving a party at 10:30
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.

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