Funny Quotes page 65

You know you're child is stupid when he looks at a picture of himself and says, "Hey that's the guy in the mirror."
David Letterman
A Proof that Girls are Evil

First we state that girls require time and money:
Girls = Time x Money

And as we all know, "Time is Money"
Time = Money

Girls = Money x Money = (Money)²

And because "Money is the root of all evil":
Money = Square Root of Evil

Girls = √(Evil)²

Thus, we are forced to conclude that:
Girls = Evil

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
The road to sucess is always under construction.
In days of old when knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They'd pop a sock upon their cock
And babies were prevented
UK school toilet graffitti
I have lots of friends; you just can't see them.
Marge: Where do you keep going at night Homer?
Homer: Oh Marge, I'm not going to lie to you. Well goodbye.
The Simpsons
Please do not write on the walls. Thank You!
- Management
Restroom Grafitti
Editor: A person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
So I hope Neil's feeling a little fiesty tonight. Speaking of fiesty, some asshole put our table right there, next to the Ticketmaster table right there. I'm predicting a food fight by the end of the night.
Eddie Vedder speaking at Neil Young's induction into the R&R Hall of Fame, Jan'95
I love you period. Do you love me question mark? Please please exclamation point! (I wanna hold you in parenthesis)
Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Homer Simpson
Work harder. Millions on welfare are depending on you.
Bumper Sticker
What is it like having three kids under 5 years old? Well it is kind of like a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything is broken, and there is a lot of throwing up.
Everybody Loves Raymond
If you smoke in our restaurant, we will assume that you are on fire and take the proper precautions.
Virna's Karaoke Restaurant
The three stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, and try weakly.
Mommy, after I'm done eating my vegetables, where do I put their wheelchairs?
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attemping to find a plot in it will be shot.
Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn
Excercise is good for you. When my grandma was 60, she started walking 5 miles everyday. She's 90 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

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