Funny Quotes page 64

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
I'm sick and tired of this school! Class after class of ugly, ugly children.
Superintendant Chalmers, The Simpsons
My town is so ugly. Sears held a beauty pagent to raise money for scholarships. 32 contestants. Nobody won.
A stand-up comedian
Cat: There's an old cat saying, "It's better to live one day as a tiger than a whole life as a worm."
Rimmer: There's an old human saying, "Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?"
Red Dwarf
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
"Fats" Domino
One said of suicide, "As long as one has brains one should not blow them out." And another answered, "But when one has ceased to have them, too often one cannot."
F. H. Bradley
Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
I'm not about to lie to you, if your work is crap then I will insult it and your intelligence, and some of you may not take it well...'
Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass.
Unbeknownst to most ornithologists, the dodo was actually a very advanced species, living alone quite peacefully until, in the 17th century, it was annihilated by men, rats, and dogs. As usual.
The Far Side
You ever get that urge, Frank? It begins with looking down from 50 stories up, thinking about the meaninglessness of life, listening to dark voices deep inside you, and you think, "Should I... Should I... Should I push someone off?"
Far side Calendar
Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition.
Bumper sticker
And they're all mine! (Marge's breast implants)
Homer, The Simpsons
I NEVER appoligize Lisa! I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am.
Homer, The Simpsons
I'm out like Muhammad Ali in a game of Jenga!
Sittin on the bowl,
missin a roll,
gonna take it like a man,
gonna wipe it with my hand
Restroom Graffiti
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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