Funny Quotes
Person one: I hear you're getting a new tattoo
Person two: Yeah, so?
P1: What are you going to get?
P2: A beautiful woman's face.
P1:Where are you going to put it?
P2: On my wife's face!Just for Laughs
Tip-Ping is not a city in China.
Menu at Sharky's Pizza; Charleston, SC
The Chickens are coming!! The Chickens are coming!!!
Colin Mochrie, Whose Line is it Anyway?
Never refuse doing a good deed unless it will come as great harm to you or to others and never, ever, refuse a drink
Mark Twain
I feel like the meat in an incompetent sandwich.
Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
Winston Churchill
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley
I got my crabs from Dirty Dick's.
A sign on a billboard for Dirty Dicks Crab House, a seafood restaurant
The beatings will stop when morale improves.
Above door of breakroom at work
Bad Spellers Untie!
My wife came home the other night and said, "Honey take my blouse off."
I said, "Ok!"
She said, "Honey take my skirt off."
I said, "Ok!"
She said, "Honey take my bra off."
I said, "Ok!"
She said, "Honey take my panties off."
I said, "Ok!"Then she told me never to wear them again!
Written above a urinal: "Don't flatter yourself, come closer!"
Bathroom Graffiti
China is great and can be potentially powerful. It has a billion people. I mean think about it, if everyone in China farted the rest of us would suffocate.
Chinese Professor
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Bumper Sticker
Those who hesitate, masturbate.
Here I sit in silent bliss,
Listening to the sound of piss,
Now and then a fart is heard,
Followed by a lump of turdMy father's grandmother's bathroom wall
Everytime I see the Spice Girls, it makes me want to try to fly by climbing my roof and strapping bricks to my shoes.
Eddie Vedder - Pearl Jam
You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait.
Gimpy, Undergrads
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