Funny Quotes page 62

In English class, we were writing stories, and the teacher says, " Today we are going to work on expanding our climax."
In an Illinois highschool
Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do.
Bumper sticker
Nothing's impossible in life. For example, I never thought that I could shoot down a German plane. Last year I proved myself wrong.
Grandpa Simpson
After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip.

It's a documentary.

Seen on a workplace fridge
Ad seen in newspaper recently:

"For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Husband knows everything."

What this country needs is institution, constitution and pros...perity
Winston Churchill
Lord, give me the strength to deal with the people who are going to piss me off today.
T Shirt
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head-first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off
I work in a damp environment
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You are unable to work double shifts
You've been seen entering and leaving the workplace with two suspicious looking bags

The Management

Remember, you can always find east by staring directly into the sun.
Homer J Simpson
(looking at blue pom-poms) Whoever killed these smurfs sure meant business
Whose Line is it Anyways?
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
"Those people that think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do".
Isaac Asimov
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx
We are finger licking good too.
Sign in front of a porno store (which is next to a KFC)
About a year ago my girlfriend was on the pill, using a diaphram, and an IUD all at once. Recently she had a baby. The baby was born wearing armor.
Steven Wright
I brake for no apparent reason.
Bumper Sticker
What PMS stands for:

1. Pass my shotgun
2. Psychotic mood shift
3. Perpetual munching spree
4. Puffy midsection
5. People make me sick
6. Provide me with sweets
7. Pardon my sobbing
8. Pimples may surface
9. Pass my sweatpants
10. Pissy mood syndrom
11. Plainly: men suck
12. Pack my stuff
13. Permanent menstrual syndrom
14. Problems men start
15. Potential murder suspect

Sarah Brown-Campello
Honesty is the only thing you need in a relationship. If you can fake that you're in.
The Tonight Show
If you can read this you're shitting at a 45 degree angle.
Bathroom Grafffitti

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