Funny Quotes page 61

Marriage is like war: You sleep with the enemy
You impressed me, and I'm not easily impressed. Wow! a BLUE CAR!
Homer, The Simpsons
Do not disturb! (I'm disturbed enough already)
One does not always need a scape goat, sometimes a scape turkey is required!
Thom Thompson
Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself.
It's like that old saying: the rich get richer and the poor get children.
This horse better win, or we'll be taking a trip to the glue factory,... and he won't get to come.
Homer Simpson
I look like cable TV!
Ralph Wiggum
Welcome to our OOL. Notice there's no 'P' in it, let's keep it that way!
Sign On Pool
(Warning!) Don't eat the great white mint.
Written over a urinal
A bumper sticker written in brail:

If you can read this, you're way too close!

Homer: Wanna play catch, boy?
Bart: Nah
Homer: What kind of world do we live in when a boy doesn't want to play baseball with his own father?
Abe Simpson (grandpa): I'll play with you son
Homer: Go home
The Simpsons
Remember the time Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, but you told me I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart, why did I have the bowl?
Milhouse, Simpsons
After 23 years, Miss Piggie will finally end her relationship with Kermit the Frog after he converts to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.
Conan O'Brien, In the Year 2000 skit
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
The funniest joke in the world according to LaughLab
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

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