Funny Quotes page 60

Beauty isn't a passport to success, it's a Visa
The Human Face BBC
To be famous you must meet the following requirements:

Have a sob story.
Must be willing to tell that story.
Must be a drug-addict, alcoholic, or sex-addict.
Must have a constant vulnerability.
Must be willing to die young and preferability tragically.

The Human Face BBC
(Written on top)
Sk8 foreva work wheneva!

(Written underneath)
That's why you're all bums.

Restroom Graffiti
Here I sit
Trying to shit
Came in fast
To empty my ass
Ten minutes ago is when it started
And thus far I have only farted
Bathroom Graffiti
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

FREE air guitar with every issue bought.
Total Guitar
Honey Horney: So Garth, would you like to have dinner some night?
Garth: I like to have dinner every night.
Waynes World 2
They misunderestimated me.
George "Dubya" Bush
According to a new study, 70% of teenagers get their information about sex from pornography. Which explains why so many teeneagers want to be pizza deliverymen.
Conan O Brien
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

The Times
And when the doctor said that I didnt have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life
Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
We speak very little english, but we make the best pizzas!!!
Big sign on a run down pizza shop in Galveston, TX
I want a man that is like a purse: looks good on your arm, carries your things, and hopefully matches your shoes.
My kid slept with your Honors Student!
Bumper Sticker
I know Kung Foo, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.
Just remember son... cover your stump before you hump
My father's embarrasing advice during our sex talk
I've never felt more comfortable than farting in a public washroom - people just assume the smell is indigenous!
I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.
George W. Bush
I am the greatest!!! I'm young; I'm handsome; I'm fast. I can't possible be beat. They all must fall in the round I call. I should be a postage stamp: That's the only way I'll ever get licked. The heavyweight champion of the world should be pretty like me. It ain't bragging if you can back it up. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. I shook up the world. Me! Whee!
Muhammad Ali

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