Funny Quotes page 59

Finally I've found something that combines my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.
Homer Simpson, on his job as a vigilante cop
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such...
Homer Simpson
Greg: (looking down at carpet) no no no no no no no no
Drew: What are you doing?
Greg: I'm saying no to rugs
Whose Line is it Anyways?
We're off like a cheap dress on prom night!
If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?
They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
Grandpa Simpson, The Simpsons
It was the only thing left to do after the mule died.
Bumper sticker
If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk.
Bumper Sticker
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
There are two kinds of people on this Earth: the ones who get to know the babes in a party and take them home, and those who admire the babes, go home and jerk off.
The girl could do without me, but I must do the girl.
Shaun R. Smith
Everybody can piss on the floor, it takes a great man to shit on the ceiling
When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University.
Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better!
Homer: So whaddya think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of no TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
The Simpsons Halloween Special V
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
Charles de Gaulle (1890–1970)
Peter: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Michael: That question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Office Space
GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT: The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Mark Twain

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