Funny Quotes page 57

Smile if your not wearing any underwear!!!
Bumper Sticker
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Bathroom Graffiti
I think Pringles' original intent was to make tennis balls. But ont he day the rubber was s'posed to come, a big truck full of potatoes pulled up. And, Pringles is a laid back company, so they said "Fuck it, cut 'em up!"
Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling; I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
John Paul Satre said "hell is being locked in a room with your friends." He overlooked the fact that all his mates were french.
Red Dwarf
Anal Sex is bad... no ifs, ands, or buts
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Songs Not To Serenade Her With:

You seem really easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese...

Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway?
What kind of person goes out of their way, gets a permanent pen, and goes into a stinky bathroom, just to scribble nonsense on the wall, so others can read it?
Bathroom Graffiti
Sherlock and Watson are out camping. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.

"Watson, please look up and tell me what you deduce."

"Well, my dear Holmes, I observe the awesome size of the universe, and the vast multitude of stars shining down on us. If we assume that even a small percentage have planets capable of supporting life, I deduce that somewhere out there, life must indeed exist."

"Watson you idiot, someone's stolen our tent!"

The great thing about being a pessimist is that you are either always right, or plesantly disproven.
It´s not that I don't believe in Santa Claus. I just don´t like him.
My son
It is better to have loved a short person than to never have love a'tall.
Saw it on a Billboard in a Restaurant
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright
Pluto? What kind of a name is Pluto? I wouldn't call my dog Pluto!
Hades on finding out his Roman name in Disney's 'Hercules'
(Place cool quote here)
Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember
Bumper Sticker
YOU hold the nation's future in your hands!
Urinal Graffiti

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