Funny Quotes
Sometimes I dream that a big, giant squirrel is carrying me away. Does that make me a nut?
I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says moo.
Frequent steak eater
First God created man, then he had a better idea!
The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog's fingers
Here I sit in stinking vapor, Wondering who stole the toilet paper. Boss is calling, no time to linger, look out, asshole, here comes the finger.
Toilet Graffiti, American air base in Germany
I'm out like a blind kid in a spelling B.
Insert endlessly profound quote here.
Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it
Mark Twain
Since everyone has a car, you need one; so, if everyone had a bucket full of shit, you'd want one too?
My Dad
Don't base your life on quotes
Written on a blackboard
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.
Bumper Sticker
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard, only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Guidance counselors are people who tell you how to be successful, but never quite got there themselves.
Dan McCluskey
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry
Man, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But then again, I just ate a live squirrel.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for them.
Conserve water, drink beer.
A beer company's logo
Procrastination on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE.
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