Funny Quotes page 5

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan, Broca's Brain
Beam me up, Scotty. No intelligent life forms down here.
I doubt whether nurses are virgins.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome
To be, or what?
Sylvester Stallone
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture
Bumper sticker
Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeapordy I would never had lit one.
Maxim of the Hells Angels
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx, The Book of Insults
  1. Alexander the Great was a great general.
  2. Great generals are forewarned.
  3. Forewarned is forearmed.
  4. Four is an even number.
  5. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
  6. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
Audobon Society Magazine
An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.
A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't.
Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.
On 1st April, 1980, London's Capital Radio announced that the hovercraft service from Heathrow airport had been cancelled beacuse of the low tide. Amazing considering Heathrow is some 40 miles away from the coastline.
Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking

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