Funny Quotes

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Accountants are the best lovers. They can do it all night long and keep their balance!

Accounting Student

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain

Lily Tomlin

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach a stupid dog old tricks either.

The yearning for sex is really a dyslexic search for love.

There are two choices in life: Stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Classified Ad

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

Greg Proops

If you drink, don't Park. Accidents cause people.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents, and accidents in the backseat cause kids.

I finally found out how to make powdered water, but now I don't know what to add.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

Optomists proclaim this is the best of all possible worlds to live in. Pestimists believe this to be true.

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.

Well the Lord surely must have enjoyed S&M, or he wouldn't have said, "Turn the other cheek."

What do they call Bill Clinton's zipper?

The "U.S. Open"

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1837.

Bumper Sticker

Barbie sucks, but Ken ain't complaining.

Bumper Sticker

I'm out like a fat kid trying to steal homebase.

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