Funny Quotes

The members of bizarre rockgroup Mr.Bungle:

• TREVOR DUNN: Base, vile
• UNCOOKED MEAT PRIOR TO STATE VECTOR COLLAPSE: P'ip'a, keyboards/organs, guitar, electronics
• CLINTON MC KINNON: Tenor sax, clarinets, keyboards, drums
• PATTON: Vocals, microcassette, organs, ocarina
• THEO: Eb reeds piped in from Ithaca, and
• I QUIT: A woodblock

Caca Volante (cv.org)

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck.

The same Douglas Adams, and how he got the idea to write that book

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Douglas Adams, revealing one of the laws of computers and programming in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted

Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shat in my pants!

Restroom Graffiti

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

If you can not answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

Elbert Hubbard

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

Carl Sandburg

Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Ambrose Bierce

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Dick Wilson

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Time's fun when you're having flies.

Kermit the Frog

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you cuming.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Monty Python's Holy Grail, a comment on how Arthur got Excalibur

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

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