Funny Quotes page 36

Carpe Diem: Seize the day
Carp e denim: Theres a fish in my pants
Happiness is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.
Daniel White
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
Ernie Kovacs
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
The odds of the planet Earth being in decent, liveable shape in the year 3000 are inversely related to the odds that humanity will survive that long.
Noel Thompson
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Flush twice.... It's a long way back to the tap.
Bathroom Graffiti
You said that you couldnt stand to see my heart broken, so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?
Jackie Sheehan
I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity.
Bill Veck
In certain circumstances, desperate circumstances, urgent circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain
History is the sum total of all things that could have been avoided.
Konrad Adenauer
History: An account mostly false, of events, unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce
The only way I'm meeting the girl of my dreams tonight is if I go to sleep.
Adam Duritz
My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.
Andrew Lang
During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.
Al Gore
JESUS LOVES YOU!
...but then again, so does Barney.
Bathroom Graffiti
When all else fails, make fun of Donny Osmond.
Jon Stewart
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Lily Tomlin

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