Funny Quotes page 34

Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore goes to a party and has sex with everyone. A bitch goes to a party and has sex with everyone but you.
President Clinton says in this month’s 'Esquire' that he wants the Republicans who spoke against him during the impeachment to apologize to him. But the Republicans today said those were oral insults, and under Clinton’s logic, an oral insult is not really an insult.
Jay Leno
I'm more confused than a horny bi-sexual in a mass orgy.
Kids in the hall
I use the word "fat." I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!
George Carlin
It is impossible to see accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
George Carlin
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
There are 24 cans of beer in a beer case, and 24 hours in a day. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Try everything once. Except incest and folk dancing.
Sir Thomas Beecham
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
Woody Allen
80's heavy metal proved that you can be an excellent guitar player and a shitty musician.
Erik Victory
Life is one of those things that most of us find very difficult to avoid.
Rowan Atkinson
On the road of life, don't forget to stop and smell the roses.
A honest person is someone you could play checkers with over the phone.
Life is a rollercoaster. We spend part of the time waiting for the ups, part of the time screaming at the downs, wishing we could ride it again when we're dying, and the entire time sitting on our butts getting lazier.
Grace K
I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right.
Grace K
It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
Brandy Rhodes
Chances are, if you're a person who talks to yourself, you do that because no one else will.
Grace Kelly
Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit.
Kim Brooks and Stina
The reason why grandchildern and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson

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