Funny Quotes

One good thing about Hell at least, is that you can probably pee wherever you want to.

Jack Handey

The Kindergarten Theory for sex offenders:
If you can't play with your toys properly, you get them taken away.

Phil and I

I believe that Marx was only off by a suffix, it's not communism that can save us, but communication.

Krist Novoselic

If you see me running, try to keep up.

Back of bomb technician's shirt

Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away.

Garron Dace

One night, I was lying in bed looking up at the stars, when suddenly I said to myself, "Hey, where the Hell did my ceiling go?"

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

When you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer Simpson

If you have a chance to drive a tank, do it. Because when are you going to be able to drive a tank again?

Jeff Scotch

In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?

Garron Dace

I just wish some one would call me "sir"... without adding "you're making a scene".

Homer Simpson

If God is Love, and Love is blind, is Ray Charles God?

Women: can't live with them, can't herd them all to Canada.

Al Bundy

It's people like you who give scum a bad name.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

I've had fun before. This isn't it.

The older you get, the more important is it not to act your age.

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.

Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Salvador Dali

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Warren Zevon

Cool Quotes Collection