Funny Quotes

In the beggining the universe was created. This is considered a bad idea and has made many people unhappy.

Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

Hana jo

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why we call it the present.

Winnie the Pooh

"One day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up for a fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to shoot the two dead boys If you dont believe this lie is true Ask the blind man he saw it too" Said the mute carpenter As he picked up his hammer and sawed

Katie Robinson

War does not determine who is right... but who is left.

Chinese proverb

From now on Honey, we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Homer Simpson

A man with a pelican on his head is not much of a man, but a pelican with a man on his head is some pelican.

Benny Guerriero

Dad! We've done something awful!"

"Did you wreck the car?"

"No"

"Did you raise the dead?"

"Yes"

"But the car is okay?"

"Yes"

"Well run along then

The Simpsons

Help! Send chocolate!

Jennifer Konerman

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Jennifer Konerman

\"People who can smile when things go wrong have thought of someone else to blame it on.\"

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E".

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance.

A Pub Wall.

If I were a dog, and you were a flower,
I'd lift up my leg and give you a shower.

Be alert... the world needs more lerts.

If this car was a horse, I would have to shoot it!

Bumper Sticker.

A duck walks into a chemist and asks for a condom. The guy at the chemist said, "Do you want me to put it on your bill?". The duck said, "No! What do you think I am, a dickhead or something?".

It tastes like burning.

Ralph - The Simpsons

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