Funny Quotes
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
U2, "Trying to throw you're arms around the world" (and others)
When life seems to have turned it's back on you,stand up and kick it in the ass.
Kelly LeBrun
In the days of old when knights were bold and toilets were not yet invented
They went in the road and dropped their load and went away contented
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Rules thay men wish every woman knew
Never ask us if you're fat. You will either suspect we're lying or get hurt.
Rules thay men wish every woman knew
I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant.
Those who never quit are winners;
and those who never win are quitters.
But those who never win nor quit,
are idiots.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop
You can't make foot prints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Ban Guns: Make the streets safe for a government takeover.
Bumper Sticker
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene' Descartes was a drunken fart
"I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed
Monty Python, "Philosophers' Song"
Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handey
Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.
When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead.
Judith Viorst
There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise.
T-shirt slogan
Surrender your Beer, or we'll take it by force.
I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
Mabel Washington, "Fame: The Musical"
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