Funny Quotes page 22

The top ten things men know about women:
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and everyone thinks everyone elses stinks.
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet".
Robin Williams
Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bothered to say it -- oh God, I'm so depressed.
Marvin the Paranoid Android, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
This is my best friend. It took me a little while to get to know him, but once you do he never leaves. This is my friend Jack Daniels.
David J. Matthews
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer Simpson
Politicians prefer unarmed peasants
Bumper sticker
Falling flat on your face is still moving forward.
If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.
Rosemary Saucier
You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!
The Half-Wit and Wisdom of Alfred E. Neuman
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyranize their teachers.
The most beautiful flower in the world will kill you if you snort the pedals up your nose.
Wayne Allred
Confucious say: he who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.
If most people said what's on their minds, they'd be speechless.
The Half-Wit and Wisdom of Alfred E. Neuman
Everybody has the gift of stupidity but you are abusing the privilege.
Juan Reyes
In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king.
Chris Farley--Movie-Dirty Work
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
When talking to somebody look them in the forehead and concentrate real hard so they think you are listening but you really aren't.
Joe Stahle
God made us scared so we wouldn't do anything stupid.
Joe Stahle

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