Funny Quotes

Don't pee on my leg and tell me its raining.
Alisa Rodway (and Judge Judy book, and Saturday Night Live..)

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.

Here's to you, Here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be, but if by chance we disagree, fuck you and here's to me.
Popular toast

Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Saki (H. H. Munro)

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
Matt a.k.a. NoFear

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

Sects, sects, sects... Is that all you monks think about?

It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts!
Mae West

First law of science: don't spit into the wind.

Excuse me, but I think my karma just ran over your dogma

Fat girls are like mopeds. There fun to ride, but you dont want anyone seeing you riding them.
T-Nutz

Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Church bulletin

If a man says something in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

If you pulled the wings off of a fly, would it still be called a fly, or would it be called a walk?
Marshall Bass

When asked what time it was Yogi Berra once replied "You mean now?"

If you want to survive in life, you've got to know where your towel is.
Douglas Adams

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Frida

Cool Quotes Collection