Funny Quotes page 18

PROCRASTINATION: Hard work often pays off in the future, but laziness always pays off now.
It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy, cause every now and then I kick the livin' shit out of me!
Lit, "My Own Worst Enemy"
These are my principles. If you don't liek them.. I have others!
When I was a boy growimg up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him I wanted to be a real major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be president of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.
President Dwight D. Eisenhower
There is nothing wrong with you that the trifling matter of a brain transplant can't cure.
Tera Ellefson
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
People who are always looking over their shoulder, will most likely run into something.
Charles Huffine
The only way you'll get laid is to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Bumper sticker
Life's a beach... Surf it up!
I don't like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!
Kid Rock
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea.
Kenny Dude
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor bastard die for his.
General George S. Patton (WWII)
99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement.
If they could send one man to the moon then why can't we send them all.
Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell are you to think
I'm not under what you call
The alchofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here,
The longer I get
So just give me one more drink to fill my cup
Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up
This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part
Vung Tau, Vietnam - restroom stall, 1968
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point. We go round every two hundred million years. And its only one of millions and billions in this amazing and expanding universe. So remember you feeling very small and insecure and how amazingly unlikely was your birth. And pray that theres intelligent life somewhere out in space. 'Cause there's bugger all down her on Earth!
Monty Python, "The Galaxy Song"
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.
Joey Lewis

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