Funny Quotes page 14

I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handy, Saturday Night Live
The chieftain had been turned into a pumpkin although, in accordance with the rules of universal humour, he still had his hat on.
Terry Pratchett, "Lords and Ladies"
The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.
Terry Pratchett, "Lords and Ladies"
Never bring a goat to a rock concert because it would hurt alot if you fell!!
Christy Horner's (personal experience)
Wierd people are like chocolate cake... some people can't handle the richness
Kiki Bernat
I think I puked on my cat
T. Christmann, "Sunday Morning Sililoquy"
Times spent wasted are not wasted times.
Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill (to his editor)
You can make me come it doesn't make you jesus
Tori Amos "Precious Things"
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "mankind" Basically it is made up of two separate words- "Mank" and "ind" What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Deep thoughts by Jack Handy
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him.
Cher, in Rolling Stone
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Rick N.
Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: "Because of my mother."
Robin Greenspan
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Renée Hicks
The moon may kiss the stars so high
The sun may kiss the bright blue sky
The dew may kiss the morning grass
But you my friend, can kiss my ass
So what are you going to do? Release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Homer Simpson
Can't talk, must eat.
Homer Simpson
Meat is murder. That kinda makes all predators murderers.
You know you are getting too old, when the candles cost more than the cake.

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