Funny Quotes page 11

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
WARNING! The dates in Calender are closer than they apper.
Greate quote to put by the callender
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who give him "sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor. [Well I think we all know what folks do when they're a little short of cash and far from home afterhours in Buckfield.]
"Sex Laws"
For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks.
George Bush speech
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
Ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused.
Correction printed in The Daily Californian
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:

  • Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  • Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  • Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  • Change your accent every three seconds.
  • Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  • Imitate the order taker's voice.
  • Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  • Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
  • Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  • Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
  • When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator.
Useless facts
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Useless facts
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
Useless facts
Anagrams:

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lots in 'em
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarm = Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!
Graffiti
Lower the age of puberty!
Graffiti
Wake up to reality.
Graffiti
Support wild life - vote for an orgy!
Graffiti

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