Funny Quotes page 10

I cannot read accounts of a record dive without wanting to ask the champion how drunk he was.
Cousteau about nitrogen narcosis when scuba-diving
You're Hells Angels, then? What chapter are you from?" "REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX.
Death in conversation with a biker Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: "Learn, guys."
Crowley, Demon Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
The eight Bikers of the Apocalypse Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am a-tella you a story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London an stay as a-younga cristan man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep whit no shit i my bed? So I calla down to the receptione and tella: "I wanta shit". They tella me:
"Go to toilet". I say:
"No,no I wanta shit in my bed". They say:
"You better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch".
What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast:
"I wanta piss". She tella me:
"Go to toilet". I say:
"I wata piss on my plate". She then say to me:
"You'd bloody not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".

That is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", an why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no understand, Please tella me!

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock". And she tella me:
"Sure, everyone wanta fock". I say:
"No,no you dont understanda me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me:
So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!

How comma this cristian hotel tella the guest in such bad manner?

So I go to receptioneand ask for bill, I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you and piss on you". I say:
"Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I go back to Italy".

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.


Dicci Elgre

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Shadwell hated all southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
Three people are standing in line at a bank. The first one turns to the second and says "Say, buddy, do you have the t-t-t-t-t-t-t-time?" The second one says nothing. This is repeated two or three time with the same result. Finally, the first man gets an open teller, does his transaction and leaves. The third man says to the second "Hey, that wasn't very nice, why didn't you answer him?" The second says "W-W-W-hy w-w-w-w-would I d-d-d-d-d-d-do t-t-t-that and g-g-g-get a p-p-p-p-unch in the m-m-m-m-m-outh?"
Erik Mats, Dumheter
The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result in a perfect balance. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible
Science Made Stupid
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark; "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Mr. Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on 5 July 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hits a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Famous Netmyth
I'll rock your world!
Steve Blade :)
- Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!

- Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.

Lady Astor and Winston Churchill
One time, I got a dog and named him Stay, and ever day I would say, "Come here, stay!" Eventually he just went insane.
Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Deep Thoughts
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Deep Thoughts
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Deep Thoughts
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

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