Black Humor

 Page 30 of 42 (821 quotes in this category)
Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

Probably not Confucius




If it wasn't for people like that, people like us wouldn't look so good.

Steve Schmidt, 1986




Oh I love children... but I couldn't eat a whole one.




Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.




Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate fuckers.




Dick is the saddest thing on the planet. It's got an eye that can't see, a head with no brain, and has 3 neighbours which 2 are nuts, while the other is an asshole.




Roses are red,
the sun is gold.
Get on your knees,
and do as you're told.




Help stop rape, say yes.




I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.

Bumpersticker




If pigs could fly, everyone would carry umbrellas.




Beauty is only skin deep but ugliness goes right to the bone.




Think of how stupid the average person is. Now remember: approximately half of everyone is stupider than that.

George Carlin (paraphase)




Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching you.

Scott Adams (Dilbert) COOL!




I used to work at a juvenile detention center. And you know what my favorite part was? Watching the kids get taken away in handcuffs, crying.

History teacher's first words to his class




Why go to high school when you can go to school high?




High school is the four years of your life that you'll spend the rest of your life trying to forget.




Q: What do you call a Roman person who just ate some pussy?
A: Gladiator (Glad he ate her)




You're more useless than a pair of tits on a nun.




Oral sex makes one's day, but anal sex makes one's hole weak.




At one time or another I have insulted everybody, and I am proud of that. Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad, and drugs are good. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun and young people should be discouraged from voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a pervsion, Bush?s lies are worse than Clinton?s and there is nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think 9-11 changed nothing, and if I had known the onset of war would add a hundred points on to Bush?s IQ, I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, I think AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can happen. I think people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesn?t write books, and Jesus wasn?t a republican. I am for mad cow disease, and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other, no doesn?t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women?s sports are boring, and the Olympics are gay. We?ll be on for another six weeks here on ABC?

Bill Maher




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