Black Humor

 Page 3 of 42 (821 quotes in this category)
We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.




Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?




It could be worse -- it could be raining.




Schizophrenia beats being alone.




Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.




FOOT: A device for finding furniture in the dark.




HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.




KARAOKE: A Japanese word meaning tone deaf.




PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.




POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.




SLEEP: A poor substitute for caffeine.




SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.




SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.




Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women.




"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."

Samuel Goldwyn on
Louis B. Mayer's funeral




Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
and drugs cause cramp

Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
you might as well live

Dorothy Parker, "Resume"




I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.




We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.




"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there."

Dana Gould




I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.




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