Black Humor page 9

It goes a little something like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by beer drinking, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter..
An alt.drunken.bastardexplaining the Buffalo Theory
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem
Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"

neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
Toilet graffiti
If a chick ever complains about being "fat" just tell her you know an exercise that burns 500 calories an hour.. unless she really is fat, then just shutup.
Heard on IRC
According to the 2000 year old Mayan prophecies, the world will end on the 21th of December 2012 (the winter solstice). This is the date where the very sophisticated Mayan calendar ends and the human race will perish. Earth will rebel against mankind which have turned arrogant, ignoring the holy values and disturbing the balance of nature.
Urban Myth

Top signs you're a drunken bastard:

  • You frequently urinate outdoors.
  • You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.
  • You fall asleep taken a dump.
  • You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
  • You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
  • Find its easier to study drunk
  • You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
  • Beer ads make sense.
  • You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.
  • You wake the next moring and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
  • The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
  • You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
  • You need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
  • You mix your coctails by the liter.
  • You grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
  • You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic zen like piss.
  • You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
  • You explain to your bank manager that you speant your overdraft "mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted".
  • When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
  • You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
  • You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
  • You find yourself saying "Honesly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" while snickering at his funny hat.
Up to 30 times more people are buried in the earth than presently living.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
If I only had enough vodka for two men and enough women for four, I would lead a very happy life.
Dimitry Patent
Men are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut.
Sleep... Those slices of death.... How I loathe them.
Edgar Allen Poe
Life is pain. Anybody that tells you differently is selling something.
William Goldman, "The princess bride"
Veni Vidi Exii - I came, I saw, I Left!
Chuck Eby
If a turtle loses his shell is he naked or homeless.
Jameson Forney
Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate motherf**ckers.
Graffiti on bathroom wall at UAH
If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
From the book of bad pickup-lines
Man's greatests inventions were touted to save mankind time and allow him to make more money. Today we work longer, make more money, keep less of it. But I am told tomorrow will be better.
Young man from the 60's
If voting could change something, it would be illegal.
Graffiti on a Montreal building

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