Black Humor page 8

If you go to a party you will invariably find yourself being hugged or hit by total and complete strangers.
"Life Sucks", definition of "Alcohol"
Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...
  • Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.
  • Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.
  • Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
  • Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
  • Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a lighter.
  • Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more you use the better. You cannot overdo this. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
  • Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
  • Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while waving your arms.
  • DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that.
  • When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
  • Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
  • Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt the fleeing onlookers when you explode.
  • Congratulations! You've just made history.
Cool Ways to Kill Yourself (Difficulty level 7)
If you think you know what the hell is going on, you're probably full of shit.
Robert Anton Wilson
Do you know I think is dumb? Probably not, huh. Well anyway it always kills me when I see parents yell at there kids for squirting people with a squirt gun. What is the kid suppose to think anyway, I mean its a gun, meant to get people wet, hence the name squirt gun . That is like selling a disgruntled postal worker a real gun, when indeed he is about to flip, they know when selling him the gun, the outcome will be bad.
Deep Thoughts by Nate
Whats the deal with toilet paper these days? Its no longer called "toilet paper". There are little sissy names for it such as: "bathroom tissue", and many others. [...]

[Pets] never complain. They never bite you, or pee on you because you don't call them "k9s", or "Felines". They just go about their business, like humping your leg, or licking each others genitals.

More Deep Thoughts by Nate
The crybabies mental anguish is about as significant as an pine weasel fart in a forest with noone to hear it.
In Germany, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins at me."
Big Issue
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.
Ad Blunders
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Useless facts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey":

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.

Age 10
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
"Deep Thoughts"
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
"Deep Thoughts"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
"Deep Thoughts"
Brittish skydiver Alfred Peters collided with a sportplane. Peters broke his foot, while the plane crashed and the four people on board died.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Doctors' journals
After an obviously long night he found himself staggering about at home, when that familiar urge suddenly came upon him. In an uncharacteristic flash of common sense he managed to get to his bedroom window before unloading his guts through it. Unfortunately he was standing in the garden, looking in.
Jock Mestonalt.drunken.bastards
Let others laugh, let others snicker We're all related in our love of our liquor
Official Poem of thealt.drunken.bastards
Well, waking up hungover and snuggled up in bed with the boss's 19-yr-old daughter and having to walk out of the house past his surprised ass at the breakfast table doesn't do wonders for your career.
Duncan Johnsonalt.drunken.bastards

First Page   Next Page Next page

Page 8 of 42