Black Humor page 37

I bought an Ant Farm once. They didn't grow shit. I said "How about some celery! You fuckers don't farm, and if I pulled off your legs, you would look like snowmen.
You always know you've had a good night when you wake up with vomit on your shoes, blood on your shirt and an ash tray in your mouth.
Ollie Mann, best philosophy teacher EVER (ed: I bet)
I believe in a prolonged profound derangement of the senses.
Jim Morrison
The Bible and several other self help or enlightenment books cite the Seven Deadly Sins. They are: pride, greed, lust, envy, wrath, sloth, and gluttony. That pretty much covers everything that we do, that is sinful... or fun for that matter.
Dave Mustaine
Jesus said, come forth and recieve eternal life. I came in third and won a toaster.
More great lies:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I'm serpectly pober, Officer.
3. Ribbed for her pleasure.
The surest sign intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes comics)
I take offense to your accusation that I am racist, or prejudice, or hold favor of one ethnic group above others. I am not discriminatory; I hate everyone equally, disseminating my unreserved hatred in fair shares to all races, cultures, and creeds.
Chris Capozzi
Your oratorical sonorities are too pleonastic to be expeditiously assimilated. OR: 'Too many big words make it hard for people to easily understand you.'
He nodded to himself, glumly, hoping to give the vague impression of being a man in need of a corpse who was disappointed by the selection but was going to have to make do with what they had.
Neil Gaiman
They say the best things in life are free...these days they are only offered on a 30 day trial period followed by monthly credit card payments of only $2.99!
The liberal sexual doctrine advocates that in sex nothing should be restricted . . . well, of course, unless chains or leather are involved.
Mike Hutchison
They say that drinking kills brain cells, but the way I figure it is that it's like a lion chasing a herd of buffalo. It will only kill the slowest ones first.
Norm Petersen
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Fubu shirt- $100 ; Rocca Wear sweatshirt- $80 ; Sean John hat- $50 ; Realizing you're white... Priceless.
Xera Boo
Heroin teaches only one thing, which is that aside from physical sufffering, there is nothing real.
André Malraux
All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!'"
Jack Handey
And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways", Yossarian continued "There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?
Joseph Heller Catch 22

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