Black Humor

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

I'm sweating like a pedophile in a nursery

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doen't fart when you pull out the meat!

One of my drunk friends

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

Truckstop in Mobile, Alabama

My mouth is as dry as a nun's cunt

It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great but... THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS OUR PEOPLE.

Newspaper Ad for Burger King

Anti-Valentines Day Poem Hearts and roses and kisses galore,
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit.
So, here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass... Fuck Valentines Day!

When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.

Girls have bigger asses than guys, because all girls are full of shit.

Prevent inbreeding: Ban country music!

Bumper sticker

I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool!

Hey that was just sheer thirst, that had NOTHING to do with my alcoholism.

College kid after chugging a beer

If God didn't want man to eat pussy, then why did he shape it like a taco?

Bumper sticker on the back of a pickup truck driven by little old lady in Colorado, USA

Always expect the worst in life. That way you'll never be disappointed.

I have a head, but no eyes, I have a mouth, but cannot speak. When I get up, I'm shoved into a stright jacket, thrusted into a wet dark hole repeatedly until I throw up on myself, then forced to do it again! And the only company I have to give me any comfort at all are two hairy nuts!

Diary of a dick

I like to think of myself as a comedian, when I said this they just laughed and laughed

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally.

Bling Bling

I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately i can't stick my head that far up my ass

Liam Gallagher

I'd rather have a dog over a guy because the worst a dog can do is piss in your shoe.

The man who goes alone can start when he is ready, but the man who travels with another has to wait until he is ready.

Henry David Thoreau

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