Black Humor
God is gonna kick your arse, you infidelic pagan scum!
Southpark christmas song
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Jake Johanson
Whoever said "all roads lead somewhere" has never been to Arizona.
You know the world is going to end when the best rapper is white and the best golfer is black.
The Tonight Show
Abandon all dope, ye who enter here!
Scrawled above the door of a Drug Rehab' project
The closest I got to a 4.0 at Harvard... was my blood alcohol level.
I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
Bob Monkhouse
God was my copilot until we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
On button
If you don't think sin is fun, you haven't been committing the right sins.
Rev. Billy Graham
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father.
Jules Feiffer
If necessity is the mother of invention, then laziness must be the father.
Troy D. Bryan
There are no stupid questions, only stupid inspirational statements.
Heidi Dixon
Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.
Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" by Robert Heinlein
Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.
Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" by Robert Heinlein
Some people say I must be a horrible person. That's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. On my desk.
Stephen King
O.J. Simpson swears he is going to spend the rest of his life searching for the real killer. Apparently he thinks a caddy did it.
Dennis Miller
Abortion brings out the inner child in you.
Jeff Epperson
My idea of discipline is to inflict it on someone else.
Adell Shay, newspaper columnist
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it.
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