Black Humor page 19

Friends come and friends go, but enemies accumulate.
Earth first. We'll stripmine the other planets later.
One thing kids like to be is fooled. I remember, once, I told my nephew I was taking him to Disneyworld, but I really took him to a burned down old warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyworld has burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. Then I started to take him to the real Disneyworld, but it was dark, so I went home.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I wanted to express my views on politics, I would have formed a fucking debating society, not a band!
Suggs, lead singer of Madness
It's not America I have the problem with, it's the Americans.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Smile, Satan hates you.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life's problems
Homer Simpson
The heck with the day... carpe scrotum!
Harris, G
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
Do you dream of exploring space or working for NASA? If so, avoid black holes and drugs.
Bless the children, for the national debt is theirs.
Herbert Hoover
I was born -- wait, it gets worse.
God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!
Brad K
If god had ment for us not to fly, he wouldn't have given us marijuana.
Patrick Marlowe
Well, look who's here! It's God's gift to crack whores!
Tera Ellefson
If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it.
George Lowell, Investment Banker
That female looks capable of passing on my genetic material.
The Onion

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